The Grafting Process

A gardner/horticulturist will graft a tree with another for several reasons.  Some of those being to make a tree more hardy and sturdy, or to increase fruitfulness.  It's a funny thing that I'm going to relate horticulture to this post, but you'll see why it makes sense in a moment.

If you KNOW me, you know I adored living in Idaho.  It was my favorite place I had ever lived with an easy lifestyle that being a single mom I cold afford and with a rich sense of community.  I felt like I had everything I could need or want within a short commute and was happy as a clam in my life there.

Last summer, I opted to come and help my mom take care of my grandma because mom working 10 hour days during the summer and getting up at 3 and 4 am to take care of my grandma was taking a toll on her heart.  Palpitations scare me, especially when congestive heart failure runs in the family.  I knew I was supposed to come here to California, and honestly had the greatest turmoil about leaving my home that I loved.  I negotiated with God - that if this is what I was really supposed to do - no more than six weeks is what I could tolerate.

Here I am almost 9 months later.

I was furious for a while I was stranded here.  It bothered me to no end that I was taken from what I loved to sit here and rot.  Not that this is rotting - but I didn't feel like I was LIVING here.  It was a mere existence.  Gradually, I started to swallow humble pie and get to know people here.  Through church, through reconnecting, through dancing... and it was wonderful to see how much can be gained when you give of yourself.

The time I have spent here - I have done grafting of myself to others, and in turn, allowed them to graft their bits in me.  One friend, makes me resilient and strong.  One friend teaches me playful nature and love.  One friend taught me compassion on a new level.  Another, true friendship without judgement.

I have learned that this life isn't about ME per se.  It's about LEARNING things I need to make me a better person and in turn, share that with others.  Life is a school full of lessons and learning.  Opening your heart and mind to those around you, brings fruits of joy, love and compassion like you've never known.

We are all children under a Great Creator.  Love and be loved.  It is the greatest power in the universe.  Allow yourself to grow and be developed into more than you ever thought possible.  Give freely and see what comes back to you.

With love,

Amy

Why Yes, I love RED hair!

Relationships

They come in all forms.  Friendships, families, romances, work-based ones, casual ones... they all mean something and give a form of structure to our lives.  I'm grateful for all of the relationships I have with so many people - minus romantic ones... currently not involved in one.

I'm in an odd spot because with my work, I've never met one of my coworkers face to face, but I still care about them a lot.  They're great people.  We share ups and downs.  We celebrate accomplishments and heartache.  It's been a great thing to feel human to people to whom one would feel like just a number.

The other odd spot I am in, I'm single.  It's not that I like being single, but that I have learned to be happy alone.  I think by being happy with myself first, I can just add more joy to my life with the right person.  I do, however, desire for that connection to a person that would include wanting for their joy, seeing them shine, feeling their closeness and being safe, and just - in general - sharing life with someone.  Sometimes, doing things alone after a while gets old and you want a companion.  I've had to learn a lot of patience and faith in God's timing.

I've met some good people, some not so good people, while out in the wild world of dating, but apparently nothing I can keep my hands on, or there are things I just won't compromise this time around.  I cannot repeat the same mistakes I made before.  I set the example for my children, so - I wait.  And wait.  However....

Friendships evolve over the years. People get invested with their families, as they should to a healthy extent. They get busier, but it doesn't mean that they love you any less.  I cherish my friends.  They got me through some of the hardest times in my life when I didn't have family close by.  The friends that hug you, hold you, serve you, and uplift you are great but it's even better when you reciprocate it back.

During this time of thanks and gratitude... I wish to say this - For all these, I am simply grateful.

Privilege

I've had a lot of hard things happen the last few days.  I don't really feel like talking about it but I know that people praying and sending positive energy and thoughts my way has helped carry me - and my loved ones through these difficult times.

However, when I feel like I have it hard, I look into the lives of others and find that it's not really that bad.  I spend a lot of time volunteering in my daughter's 4th grade class.  Kids in there come from diverse backgrounds; hard home lives, no home life, abusive situations, broken homes, great homes, stable homes... and it's heartbreaking.  

Arriving on campus, I'm almost greeted like a rockstar.  I guess I volunteer a lot... ha ha!  Kids hug me and say they are happy to see me and hope they get to work with me.  As I work with these kids, they struggle with first grade level words and reading books, they have a hard time with multiplication, and my heart breaks.

I sit at the table with them and tell them, "You're so close!  You've almost got it!  I'm so proud of you!  You're so important!"  - just trying to feed them any bit of positive reinforcement that I can, not knowing when they might hear it again.  They get a high five, or "knuckles", a big smile, or even get to keep my pencil when they walk away... It's the simple things that mean a lot to people... 

People need to know that they matter - no matter how young or old they are... everyone matters.

Please, don't forget to be kind and gentle with those around you.  We all need a little bit of patience and love.  It's a privilege to give it.

Namaste,

Amy

Yuck.

1 Not too happy about having to feel vulnerable all over again - but - this is how I will hold myself accountable.  Anti depressants (which I am off of now) have made a mess of me.  I think in their honest efforts to help us feel  better, prescriptions are given by well intentioned doctors.

8 Now, I've done a fair share of CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) and counseling to deal with highly traumatic things I have lived through - but it's like my body was reprogrammed after trauma incidents three years apart - to be chunkier than I would really like to be.

1 There is safety in weight... I am less likely to become a victim of a crime again.  This is too hard.  You can't do it.  (this is what I hear in my subconscious)

.6 I'm trying to scream back, YES I CAN!  If I can make it through three days, I'll get there.  With life feeling rather upside down, I am sure this will be interesting to commit to.  But - hey, I'm starting somewhere.

Honest to goodness....

Sitting here in my bed, trying to fall asleep, I think "hmmm, what's going on with Facebook tonight?"  I open the app and the top post is from my sister, +Allison Bowker .  See below.

I love gratitude.  Let me repeat that.... I LOVE GRATITUDE - so much so, I got up, fired up my laptop to participate with my sister and fulfill this challenge of positive things... I think they go hand in hand.

While I "om-nom-nom" away on some delish watermelon - I will blog about things I am grateful for.

What am I grateful for or positive things:

1. I am grateful for good friends, who step in and scoop you up like ice cream and then wrap you in the warmth of their love like melty hot fudge.  Latrice ain't got nothin' on this analogy.  But today had two friends hang with me to go get milkshakes and fries at Steak n Shake.  Good still happens.  Even better extension of that was the gifting of lovely dresses to my kids and a set of Squinkie toys that they've already sorted several times.  Why no, no they don't get their OCD nature from me.  LOL

2. Even when my heart hurts, I believe in good things to come.  I may be divorced & single - but I'm learning to be happy.  However, I wouldn't put it past me to hire a professional cuddle buddy.  Sometimes you just need that connection.  Ha ha ha!

3. My kids are with me.  The days when they were gone were long and hard on me.  Having them around - even if they're awake and fighting against the wall behind my head over legos or squinkies, their noise is better than not having it.  It's finding things like this that make it all worth while.  (Playdough art by Faith)

If you're reading this - I challenge you to the same!  Every day for the next 5 days - three things of positivity or gratitude.  I'm specifically calling out my friend +Elizabeth Singleton , +Beverly Richardson +Alan Greene  and others I'll tag on facebook.

Lets layer the world with some positivity and love.

Forget the ice bucket challenge.

Wash yourself in this wake up call.

Getting what we want - instead of what we need.  Aye-yi-yi.  I know this better than any other person.  To those who know me, know I am probably pretty straightforward and stubborn.  I will never deny that.  This leads me to my next statement...

There are those who know what they want, and those who go after what they want.

One is a dream and the other involves action.  I have been going after what I want, and by doing this, I very well may be neglecting the fact that it may not be what I need.  The last few months, I have been in California helping family take care of my grandmother.  It has been hard for several reasons, and I'll leave that for another blog on another day.  Life here is far different than the life I had in Idaho, and I miss it... terribly.  I have been chasing homes in one area back in Meridian

, because quite frankly, it was the first time I felt like I was home-home.  Maybe I have to give up that dream temporarily to go where I'm needed... I dunno.  Or, like my friend Jill says, stay here... which causes more anxiety than you could ever imagine.  However...

I have discovered this: that people are over-scheduled, too busy for one another, too busy to serve or uplift, too busy to care.  In current times, it is hard enough to find your dreams a reality with the constant flood of "This is what you deserve, this is what you should have, this is..." honestly someone else's dream to chase or unrealistic expectations of what YOUR life should be.

I am determined to refocus my life.

I am challenging myself to commit to being open to what I need in my life instead of demanding a wish list of what I think I deserve. If you're reading this, I challenge you too.

I'm also challenging myself to be invested in the betterment of myself, and uplifting others.  Again, if you're reading this, consider yourself challenged.

It is not selfish to love yourself first as long as you're not being haughty, pompous, arrogant, or taking down others to feel better.  We have to be on the path to improvement in order to put positive out there.  

I've learned a lot being single.  Loving yourself needs to come first.  Once you're happy with you, adding another person to the picture is just icing on the cake.  It truly is.

So - what needs are you blocking by putting what you want first?

Here is my list:

1. Be a better Christian/LDS member (faith comes first)

2. Be a better me (I come second)

3. Be a better me for everyone else. (Family and friends)

I think with this shift in focus of my daily living - I will be better prepared to be willing to accept what I need, and then, if the dream suits me - allow that to fall into my life with ease, not force.

With this I leave you blessings of peace and joy.