Today was a hard day. Mother's Day 2014 proves to be the toughest day I've had since being divorced. There's more to the difficulty of this day than I have mentioned before, but it's simply this day, last year that one bad choice by my ex, snowballed the demise of any chance of saving our marriage.
This year, it's bittersweet as I got a text from him saying "Happy Mother's Day." It's been far from happy, or relaxing; it's just like any other day. But with a bit more pain...
I'm a single mom with twice the burden of providing for my children's happiness, and the hard job of staying positive, held together, and balancing every last dang thing. There are days I wanna just curl up and cry from sadness and the ache of being lonely. There are others I am grateful and celebrate the small victories I win each day. One day I hope this all balances out.
So, while I sit remembering what things could have been, I try to look forward to the future, with faith and hope. I wait for the day when I don't have a heartache this deep or a pain so sharp. When one day the wounds of my heart will all be mended. Until then - I fight for each day.
Here's to days ahead. I pray that they're better than the previous.
Sunday, May 11, 2014
Sunday, May 4, 2014
One Breath At A Time
Those days that get excruciatingly overwhelming and you feel like you can't breathe or think straight... You have to remember how to breathe first. The wind being kicked out of your sails, the punched in the gut feeling, it ebbs and flows... but remembering to center yourself and breathe is power in moments like that.
Namaste
Monday, April 21, 2014
Crushed
If I could sum up the last four days with one word, crushed would be it. Let me explain.
I was in the kitchen, halfway through making biscuits for a dinner I needed to take to a lady who just had a baby when I hear wailing from outside my home. Aubrey comes in screaming her foot was hurt. I promptly remove her sock and there, to my horror, was her crushed toe. I asked how it happened and she replied "Faith dropped a tv tray on it!" The inner nurse in me kicked in and rushed her to the bathroom to rinse it and evaluate it. When I got a good look at it, the matrix of the nail, think anchor to the nail, was popped out and the skin was ripped and pulled forward. (NO EXAGGERATION) I cleaned it the best I could then went to find a tourniquet. Grabbing a white terry hand towel, I wrapped her foot so as to apply some pressure and get her to the hospital. Realizing I didn't have anything to hold the towel on, I grabbed a silly bands bracelet off of my counter and proceeded to hold the towel on her foot with that. Done!
I gave instructions to Grace on how to finish biscuits - which were never completed - and flew out the door with Aubrey. "Honey, keep your foot up. Turn sideways and put it up on this" I said pointing to the center console. There was traffic because this all happened on Friday - before Easter - at 445 pm. Normally, I'd go to St Lukes Meridian which is super close, but the overpass to get to the hospital was backed up and I couldn't wait. I hopped on the I84 to head to Boise and take her to St Luke's Hospital there where they also had a childrens wing. I'm trying to reassure her as we travel and when we arrive, I park in the emergency area, and pick up my sixty pound baby and haul her in to be looked at.
Our wait was about a half hour to go back, and we were met with a sweet CNA and Nurse later. Vianay was our CNA - gentle and kind, she was able to get the process started. Then, enter Sam. (Just wait, she gets really popular soon) Sam was a chipper blonde nurse who looked much younger than she was, but hey, so do I. She was kind enough to be patient with my scared Aubrey. It was a process of xrays to determine if there was a break, soaking to clean the wound and soften the nail, and sutures to stitch the flap of skin on and put the toenail back into place.
This was all rather scary for Aubrey and Sam brought her a puppy dog stuffed animal to hold. During the suture process, Aubrey grabbed onto Sam's hand and cried "Is it over? Is it over?" and they had been stitching already... Thankfully that lidocane worked. Aunt Allison, Aubrey and I all were discharged after nearly four hours in the ER and headed home.
The next morning, I woke up to go meet a friend for breakfast with my girls and sister. We all ordered food and my sister and I usually split two meals so we can eat a bit of everything. I shoved half of my "Momma's French Toast Breakfast" onto her plate and she gave me half of her "Buttermilk Fried Chicken" plate with sauce. I asked her what the sauce was and it looked like syrup. She said to taste it before I ate it. The moment the sauce hit my tongue and throat after swallowing, my tongue and throat were on fire! I am allergic - to HONEY! I tried to help the swelling with cold water - and couldn't get it down. We had to leave there and go across the street to Costco to buy Benadryl to stop the reaction. It starts to subside and I decided I needed to take Aubrey to the mall for some better sandals to help protect her toe.
We get to Dillards and go to the shoe department for kids, and come across a cute pair. She slides them on and looks pretty chipper. Saying farewell to my friend, we start to head home, when I remember I needed shorts for the girls for summer, and Old Navy was having a great sale. I stopped in for a moment and the girls began running. I told them to stop so nobody gets hurt... aaaaaaand, Faith accidentally steps on Aubrey's bum toe, ripping the bandaid off, popping three stitches, and causing the matrix of the nail to be removed again....
Guess where I got to go - again? Yes, the ER.
Allison was thankfully able to meet me there again and we again, were admitted to the ER. First doctor who came in had his one arm in a sling and couldn't help what needed to happen so he sent in another doctor. Second doctor suggested remove stitches, as they were no good at this point, remove flap of skin, and then dermabond (skin glue) the toenail in place. Aubrey again starts freaking out and wails she wants "Sam" over and over. Thankfully, Sam was there to comfort tiny Aubrey. Goodness... So - with a bit of a meltdown and a fight, we get into the final stages of discharge to go home. She's dermabonded and we are able to go home.
That first night of dermabond, I was up all night, checking her toe, circulation, for infection, etc... NO sleep. That Sunday was Easter Sunday and I was already spent. I managed to get everyone to church, make dinner, and then remembered to check her toe. Aubrey's toe looked bad... it was oozing and weeping and had some puss looking stuff goo-ing out of the wound. I was worried about infection, so I went back to the ER.
Sam and Vianay were there, thankfully to ease tiny girl. This time, Sam brought Aubrey an Easter basket. I'm talking with the doctor and he said it didn't look infected but it didn't.... ha ha - that makes ZERO sense, but sends us home with an RX for antibiotics if it starts oozing or gets super swollen and red... ok, deal.
Nobody got out of bed on time for anything on Monday... it's been a day of recovery. I'm exhausted more than I realized... but thankful, so thankful for tender mercies. God really is in the details of our lives.
I was in the kitchen, halfway through making biscuits for a dinner I needed to take to a lady who just had a baby when I hear wailing from outside my home. Aubrey comes in screaming her foot was hurt. I promptly remove her sock and there, to my horror, was her crushed toe. I asked how it happened and she replied "Faith dropped a tv tray on it!" The inner nurse in me kicked in and rushed her to the bathroom to rinse it and evaluate it. When I got a good look at it, the matrix of the nail, think anchor to the nail, was popped out and the skin was ripped and pulled forward. (NO EXAGGERATION) I cleaned it the best I could then went to find a tourniquet. Grabbing a white terry hand towel, I wrapped her foot so as to apply some pressure and get her to the hospital. Realizing I didn't have anything to hold the towel on, I grabbed a silly bands bracelet off of my counter and proceeded to hold the towel on her foot with that. Done!
I gave instructions to Grace on how to finish biscuits - which were never completed - and flew out the door with Aubrey. "Honey, keep your foot up. Turn sideways and put it up on this" I said pointing to the center console. There was traffic because this all happened on Friday - before Easter - at 445 pm. Normally, I'd go to St Lukes Meridian which is super close, but the overpass to get to the hospital was backed up and I couldn't wait. I hopped on the I84 to head to Boise and take her to St Luke's Hospital there where they also had a childrens wing. I'm trying to reassure her as we travel and when we arrive, I park in the emergency area, and pick up my sixty pound baby and haul her in to be looked at.
Our wait was about a half hour to go back, and we were met with a sweet CNA and Nurse later. Vianay was our CNA - gentle and kind, she was able to get the process started. Then, enter Sam. (Just wait, she gets really popular soon) Sam was a chipper blonde nurse who looked much younger than she was, but hey, so do I. She was kind enough to be patient with my scared Aubrey. It was a process of xrays to determine if there was a break, soaking to clean the wound and soften the nail, and sutures to stitch the flap of skin on and put the toenail back into place.
This was all rather scary for Aubrey and Sam brought her a puppy dog stuffed animal to hold. During the suture process, Aubrey grabbed onto Sam's hand and cried "Is it over? Is it over?" and they had been stitching already... Thankfully that lidocane worked. Aunt Allison, Aubrey and I all were discharged after nearly four hours in the ER and headed home.
The next morning, I woke up to go meet a friend for breakfast with my girls and sister. We all ordered food and my sister and I usually split two meals so we can eat a bit of everything. I shoved half of my "Momma's French Toast Breakfast" onto her plate and she gave me half of her "Buttermilk Fried Chicken" plate with sauce. I asked her what the sauce was and it looked like syrup. She said to taste it before I ate it. The moment the sauce hit my tongue and throat after swallowing, my tongue and throat were on fire! I am allergic - to HONEY! I tried to help the swelling with cold water - and couldn't get it down. We had to leave there and go across the street to Costco to buy Benadryl to stop the reaction. It starts to subside and I decided I needed to take Aubrey to the mall for some better sandals to help protect her toe.
We get to Dillards and go to the shoe department for kids, and come across a cute pair. She slides them on and looks pretty chipper. Saying farewell to my friend, we start to head home, when I remember I needed shorts for the girls for summer, and Old Navy was having a great sale. I stopped in for a moment and the girls began running. I told them to stop so nobody gets hurt... aaaaaaand, Faith accidentally steps on Aubrey's bum toe, ripping the bandaid off, popping three stitches, and causing the matrix of the nail to be removed again....
Guess where I got to go - again? Yes, the ER.
Allison was thankfully able to meet me there again and we again, were admitted to the ER. First doctor who came in had his one arm in a sling and couldn't help what needed to happen so he sent in another doctor. Second doctor suggested remove stitches, as they were no good at this point, remove flap of skin, and then dermabond (skin glue) the toenail in place. Aubrey again starts freaking out and wails she wants "Sam" over and over. Thankfully, Sam was there to comfort tiny Aubrey. Goodness... So - with a bit of a meltdown and a fight, we get into the final stages of discharge to go home. She's dermabonded and we are able to go home.
That first night of dermabond, I was up all night, checking her toe, circulation, for infection, etc... NO sleep. That Sunday was Easter Sunday and I was already spent. I managed to get everyone to church, make dinner, and then remembered to check her toe. Aubrey's toe looked bad... it was oozing and weeping and had some puss looking stuff goo-ing out of the wound. I was worried about infection, so I went back to the ER.
Sam and Vianay were there, thankfully to ease tiny girl. This time, Sam brought Aubrey an Easter basket. I'm talking with the doctor and he said it didn't look infected but it didn't.... ha ha - that makes ZERO sense, but sends us home with an RX for antibiotics if it starts oozing or gets super swollen and red... ok, deal.
Nobody got out of bed on time for anything on Monday... it's been a day of recovery. I'm exhausted more than I realized... but thankful, so thankful for tender mercies. God really is in the details of our lives.
Friday, April 18, 2014
Thinking on things...
One of the curses I endure is a mind that never - and I mean NEVER - stops turning gears. The one relief I have for that, no - isn't sleep, but meditation. Gosh dang that's some hard stuff to do sometimes, but in quiet moments I can find clarity and breathe. I guess that's part of the reason I'm so grateful for yoga. It's "me" time.
Another coping mechanism for my noisy mind is my blog. Sometimes the ability to put things down and be able to "let them go" is powerful. Being able to leave behind the memory or hurt so you don't have to hang onto it anymore, helps.
I'm one of those women who believes in true love. It's harnessed by the feelings of excitement, joy and fulfillment. When you find another person to accept you, as imperfect as you are, oh, how perfect it can feel! Deep down inside I truly believe that there is more than one person for each person out there. It depends on when in your life and under what circumstances you meet them. I've dated both ends of the age spectrum and can see if I had been divorced sooner and was out dating, I don't think I'd have the wisdom I have now.
Do I think I'm ready to marry. No, not me. I'm still discovering and sifting through the things in my life that once held me back before. It's a matter of taking the time to find the good qualities in myself and then believing it. Meanwhile, I date. That's a process of sifting through the crap, the less than desireables, the boys looking for a sugar mama, the men looking for their Barbie or pet.... and finding a man who will take ya, and make you great.
I met him once before... he got away. Perhaps I'll find that again and all will be right in the world.
Another coping mechanism for my noisy mind is my blog. Sometimes the ability to put things down and be able to "let them go" is powerful. Being able to leave behind the memory or hurt so you don't have to hang onto it anymore, helps.
I'm one of those women who believes in true love. It's harnessed by the feelings of excitement, joy and fulfillment. When you find another person to accept you, as imperfect as you are, oh, how perfect it can feel! Deep down inside I truly believe that there is more than one person for each person out there. It depends on when in your life and under what circumstances you meet them. I've dated both ends of the age spectrum and can see if I had been divorced sooner and was out dating, I don't think I'd have the wisdom I have now.
Do I think I'm ready to marry. No, not me. I'm still discovering and sifting through the things in my life that once held me back before. It's a matter of taking the time to find the good qualities in myself and then believing it. Meanwhile, I date. That's a process of sifting through the crap, the less than desireables, the boys looking for a sugar mama, the men looking for their Barbie or pet.... and finding a man who will take ya, and make you great.
I met him once before... he got away. Perhaps I'll find that again and all will be right in the world.
Thursday, April 17, 2014
Phoenix Rising
The last year has spawned a lot of growth, heartache, struggle, amazing wins, painful losses, and has helped me find my feet and my faith. It's about time I sit and write what I can for the last year of my life that you've missed. So here it goes, brace yourself.
First things first, at the current moment, I am a single mom. Meaning, yes, Jason and I are divorced. It was a series of painful and emotionally draining moments - ONE. RIGHT. AFTER. THE. OTHER. Ultimately, I filed for divorce July 9, 2013 and it was all signed, said and done August 5, 2013. He left Idaho before the divorce was even final. What an eerie feeling watching his truck, the travel trailer we bought, and his belongings being towed away to Oklahoma. The part that was the hardest was the aftermath for the children. My tiny little people... watched their father leave them. You try to explain that it's the best thing for their dad and that he'll still be their dad, just from a long ways away. We're adjusted now. They're used to hearing from him when he calls or texting. That keeps them going.
It was painful to come across his things as I was trying to rebuild my life. I was left with everything he didn't want, things he left behind on accident, and the rental we signed for and still had 9 months or so on. I decided that when I got the opportunity to move on and into a new place, that my house would be free of his things, that it would be a space for the girls and I to feel safe. The sad memories needed to be left at the old house. So I went through each box, every bag, being careful to make sure his things were no longer in with my things. The more I felt like areas were clear of those painful memories, the easier it was to move on and breathe.
And now I breathe... in my own place with my three little girls who I have been entrusted with, to raise into great little humans. Have there been hard days? Oh, yeah! Have there been days I can see the hand of God in my life just bringing me blessings and miracles. Definitely. It's those days that uplift and carry me when I'm weak, low, or feeling alone.
While a marriage is a hard thing to let go of, it's harder to live with the pain. I remember praying so many times to just make the hurt stop. Did it stop? No, not really. But I got tougher, stronger, more resilient each time the Lord's hand was stayed to deliver me. It made me who I am today.
There was a point in my trials I had to mentally "walk on water" with perfect faith that things would work out. My mother bought me a painting of Christ walking on water when she was here right before the divorce papers were filed. That picture resonates with me still to this day.
I count my blessings, with gratitude, every day. Life is precious. Time cannot be wasted being sad. Do what makes you come alive and find purpose again, then run with it! It's never too late, you're never too far gone.
With Peace and Blessings,
Namaste - Amy
First things first, at the current moment, I am a single mom. Meaning, yes, Jason and I are divorced. It was a series of painful and emotionally draining moments - ONE. RIGHT. AFTER. THE. OTHER. Ultimately, I filed for divorce July 9, 2013 and it was all signed, said and done August 5, 2013. He left Idaho before the divorce was even final. What an eerie feeling watching his truck, the travel trailer we bought, and his belongings being towed away to Oklahoma. The part that was the hardest was the aftermath for the children. My tiny little people... watched their father leave them. You try to explain that it's the best thing for their dad and that he'll still be their dad, just from a long ways away. We're adjusted now. They're used to hearing from him when he calls or texting. That keeps them going.
It was painful to come across his things as I was trying to rebuild my life. I was left with everything he didn't want, things he left behind on accident, and the rental we signed for and still had 9 months or so on. I decided that when I got the opportunity to move on and into a new place, that my house would be free of his things, that it would be a space for the girls and I to feel safe. The sad memories needed to be left at the old house. So I went through each box, every bag, being careful to make sure his things were no longer in with my things. The more I felt like areas were clear of those painful memories, the easier it was to move on and breathe.
And now I breathe... in my own place with my three little girls who I have been entrusted with, to raise into great little humans. Have there been hard days? Oh, yeah! Have there been days I can see the hand of God in my life just bringing me blessings and miracles. Definitely. It's those days that uplift and carry me when I'm weak, low, or feeling alone.
While a marriage is a hard thing to let go of, it's harder to live with the pain. I remember praying so many times to just make the hurt stop. Did it stop? No, not really. But I got tougher, stronger, more resilient each time the Lord's hand was stayed to deliver me. It made me who I am today.
There was a point in my trials I had to mentally "walk on water" with perfect faith that things would work out. My mother bought me a painting of Christ walking on water when she was here right before the divorce papers were filed. That picture resonates with me still to this day.
I count my blessings, with gratitude, every day. Life is precious. Time cannot be wasted being sad. Do what makes you come alive and find purpose again, then run with it! It's never too late, you're never too far gone.
With Peace and Blessings,
Namaste - Amy
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Well, what a way to end a year!
I can't say that I'm all that proud of how insanely fun this year has been with a move mid school year;
- causing daughter #1 to fall into a "mid life crisis"
- the difficulty changing schools on children who CLING to teachers and love them so deeply it's like cutting their sweet little hearts out with spoons
- move to a completely different city and county with new rules
- and holy crap the teachers email the bejeezus out of you during the week... not. even. kidding.
If you wanna throw into that finding empty reading logs - because my kids hate filling them out, the piles of overdue notices I got from dot #2 losing a book, and lackluster projects we did last minute because I really didn't want to do them, I think they're silly and over rated for kids that little, then you've got my last MONTH.
Dot #2 comes in with some thing she asks me to sign this morning, and as long as I'm not donating my good kidney, I'm good with putting my initials on something, because after all, her forging my signature didn't work so well. HA HA! Then she says something about "field day yadda yadda love you mom bye!" Riiiiight. RIIIIIGHT.
Toss into that mix a new job that I don't especially adore at the moment because it's SO complicated, my therapist going on a leave of absence for who knows how long, I seriously wonder how I got so lucky to be trusted with so much all at once. And my friends, this is just the tip of the iceberg. I failed this semester when I had PTSD stuff triggered by a class I was taking and caused shut down. I don't know what that's going to do to my GPA or what, but I think classes would be best suited to have a fair warning on them about what the subject matter really is and not what the description says. Just saying.
Oh, and I've lost the password to my OTHER BLOG - and they won't let me back in, so I'm pretty much toast on that one. Yep.
Wonderful.
And summer starts tomorrow? Meaning, children fighting over the computer, wii, DS, phone, etc all day and meanwhile, I try to survive. Maybe ear plugs are a good idea at this point....?
To this I smile and say BRING IT ON!
Always - Your Amy
- causing daughter #1 to fall into a "mid life crisis"
- the difficulty changing schools on children who CLING to teachers and love them so deeply it's like cutting their sweet little hearts out with spoons
- move to a completely different city and county with new rules
- and holy crap the teachers email the bejeezus out of you during the week... not. even. kidding.
If you wanna throw into that finding empty reading logs - because my kids hate filling them out, the piles of overdue notices I got from dot #2 losing a book, and lackluster projects we did last minute because I really didn't want to do them, I think they're silly and over rated for kids that little, then you've got my last MONTH.
Dot #2 comes in with some thing she asks me to sign this morning, and as long as I'm not donating my good kidney, I'm good with putting my initials on something, because after all, her forging my signature didn't work so well. HA HA! Then she says something about "field day yadda yadda love you mom bye!" Riiiiight. RIIIIIGHT.
Toss into that mix a new job that I don't especially adore at the moment because it's SO complicated, my therapist going on a leave of absence for who knows how long, I seriously wonder how I got so lucky to be trusted with so much all at once. And my friends, this is just the tip of the iceberg. I failed this semester when I had PTSD stuff triggered by a class I was taking and caused shut down. I don't know what that's going to do to my GPA or what, but I think classes would be best suited to have a fair warning on them about what the subject matter really is and not what the description says. Just saying.
Oh, and I've lost the password to my OTHER BLOG - and they won't let me back in, so I'm pretty much toast on that one. Yep.
Wonderful.
And summer starts tomorrow? Meaning, children fighting over the computer, wii, DS, phone, etc all day and meanwhile, I try to survive. Maybe ear plugs are a good idea at this point....?
To this I smile and say BRING IT ON!
Always - Your Amy
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Mental Ruts
So - I know there are a lot of us that get in these really bad ruts... I always think of old Nintendo Excite Bike game ruts from the jumps when I think of ruts, but that's a tangent for another day. Back to ruts. I think we forget how truly powerful our minds can be. There is a fantastic book/audio book I listen to or read on a regular basis called The Power by Rhonda Byrne. It's changed lives! Including mine. I have found the links to the audio for it on youtube, but won't post the link. I'll let you find it. But I suggest that you look it up and give it a listen if you're feeling stuck. I wanna help you out of that rut.
I love you guys. Please know that. If you think nobody else has love for you, I do. :)
Amy
I love you guys. Please know that. If you think nobody else has love for you, I do. :)
Amy
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