Yuck.

1 Not too happy about having to feel vulnerable all over again - but - this is how I will hold myself accountable.  Anti depressants (which I am off of now) have made a mess of me.  I think in their honest efforts to help us feel  better, prescriptions are given by well intentioned doctors.

8 Now, I've done a fair share of CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) and counseling to deal with highly traumatic things I have lived through - but it's like my body was reprogrammed after trauma incidents three years apart - to be chunkier than I would really like to be.

1 There is safety in weight... I am less likely to become a victim of a crime again.  This is too hard.  You can't do it.  (this is what I hear in my subconscious)

.6 I'm trying to scream back, YES I CAN!  If I can make it through three days, I'll get there.  With life feeling rather upside down, I am sure this will be interesting to commit to.  But - hey, I'm starting somewhere.

Honest to goodness....

Sitting here in my bed, trying to fall asleep, I think "hmmm, what's going on with Facebook tonight?"  I open the app and the top post is from my sister, +Allison Bowker .  See below.

I love gratitude.  Let me repeat that.... I LOVE GRATITUDE - so much so, I got up, fired up my laptop to participate with my sister and fulfill this challenge of positive things... I think they go hand in hand.

While I "om-nom-nom" away on some delish watermelon - I will blog about things I am grateful for.

What am I grateful for or positive things:

1. I am grateful for good friends, who step in and scoop you up like ice cream and then wrap you in the warmth of their love like melty hot fudge.  Latrice ain't got nothin' on this analogy.  But today had two friends hang with me to go get milkshakes and fries at Steak n Shake.  Good still happens.  Even better extension of that was the gifting of lovely dresses to my kids and a set of Squinkie toys that they've already sorted several times.  Why no, no they don't get their OCD nature from me.  LOL

2. Even when my heart hurts, I believe in good things to come.  I may be divorced & single - but I'm learning to be happy.  However, I wouldn't put it past me to hire a professional cuddle buddy.  Sometimes you just need that connection.  Ha ha ha!

3. My kids are with me.  The days when they were gone were long and hard on me.  Having them around - even if they're awake and fighting against the wall behind my head over legos or squinkies, their noise is better than not having it.  It's finding things like this that make it all worth while.  (Playdough art by Faith)

If you're reading this - I challenge you to the same!  Every day for the next 5 days - three things of positivity or gratitude.  I'm specifically calling out my friend +Elizabeth Singleton , +Beverly Richardson +Alan Greene  and others I'll tag on facebook.

Lets layer the world with some positivity and love.

Forget the ice bucket challenge.

Wash yourself in this wake up call.

Getting what we want - instead of what we need.  Aye-yi-yi.  I know this better than any other person.  To those who know me, know I am probably pretty straightforward and stubborn.  I will never deny that.  This leads me to my next statement...

There are those who know what they want, and those who go after what they want.

One is a dream and the other involves action.  I have been going after what I want, and by doing this, I very well may be neglecting the fact that it may not be what I need.  The last few months, I have been in California helping family take care of my grandmother.  It has been hard for several reasons, and I'll leave that for another blog on another day.  Life here is far different than the life I had in Idaho, and I miss it... terribly.  I have been chasing homes in one area back in Meridian

, because quite frankly, it was the first time I felt like I was home-home.  Maybe I have to give up that dream temporarily to go where I'm needed... I dunno.  Or, like my friend Jill says, stay here... which causes more anxiety than you could ever imagine.  However...

I have discovered this: that people are over-scheduled, too busy for one another, too busy to serve or uplift, too busy to care.  In current times, it is hard enough to find your dreams a reality with the constant flood of "This is what you deserve, this is what you should have, this is..." honestly someone else's dream to chase or unrealistic expectations of what YOUR life should be.

I am determined to refocus my life.

I am challenging myself to commit to being open to what I need in my life instead of demanding a wish list of what I think I deserve. If you're reading this, I challenge you too.

I'm also challenging myself to be invested in the betterment of myself, and uplifting others.  Again, if you're reading this, consider yourself challenged.

It is not selfish to love yourself first as long as you're not being haughty, pompous, arrogant, or taking down others to feel better.  We have to be on the path to improvement in order to put positive out there.  

I've learned a lot being single.  Loving yourself needs to come first.  Once you're happy with you, adding another person to the picture is just icing on the cake.  It truly is.

So - what needs are you blocking by putting what you want first?

Here is my list:

1. Be a better Christian/LDS member (faith comes first)

2. Be a better me (I come second)

3. Be a better me for everyone else. (Family and friends)

I think with this shift in focus of my daily living - I will be better prepared to be willing to accept what I need, and then, if the dream suits me - allow that to fall into my life with ease, not force.

With this I leave you blessings of peace and joy.

Happiness is NOT a choice...

So, before you come to hash this out with me, at least read this and understand where this idea and my belief come from.

"You choose to wake up and be happy."

"You make the most of what you have."

Wrong, and wrong.

For people who live with PTSD, depression, postpartum or any other form of mental illness, happiness has little to do with an instant choice.  It's been a long, long road to discovering why I couldn't be "happy" like other people, and while in discovery mode, I've come to the conclusion:

Happiness is a destination.

Nothing or no one can MAKE you happy.  You have to plan to be happy.  You can feel joy or pleasure but happiness, true happiness doesn't really come in this life.  The way you choose to live your life in a day to day basis, the steps you take to leave your legacy, the kindness offered when you pay it forward - those things will let you be happy when life is over - or the lack thereof will let you be miserable.

Me, myself; a human being, mother, student, employee, etc etc.... I struggle with the notion people are happy.  You can't define it, you can't bottle it, you can't get a certificate for it on paper... Think about it.

*  When you see your friend you haven't seen in a long time - and you get to hug them, it's joy.

*  When you overcome depression and it's now manageable - that's relief.

*  When your child or spouse or significant other does something amazing - you're proud.

*  When you make good choices instead of bad ones - you feel empowered, strong, and capable.  Things are easier and you're at peace.

*  When you realize you have enough, and some extra left over - that's gratitude for plenty.

These things contribute to the happiness plan - which leads us happiness when we're ready to die.  I know when I die, I would like to look back and go - "yeah, I did a lot of good things, left a good legacy... I can be happy with the outcome..." and pass peacefully.  I'd like to add more experiences full of joy, pride, power, love to the list of things I can read off once I'm done with this life.  Happiness is a destination I am striving for, day to day.  I hope you are too.

To those who wonder:

This painful time in mortal life, is what I call learning and growing because I don't honestly think I'll arrive anywhere but to fast conclusions by the way of guilt trips as far as destinations are concerned.  I didn't arrive at happy overnight, or well, ever. Happy, that's a constant journey, no arrival, no destination... just progress.

I think I'd say I'm content enough with the way things are going that I can wear a smile often enough and make it believable. There are still times I cry and wanna curse the sky because – well, that's what we humans do... but welcome to Life101.

To sum up the last 13 years of my life– here's the Reader's Digest super quick version:

I met my ex in a dance hall/saloon in San Bernardino while he was in the Marines. I got pregnant the night I met him. We got married six months later in my parents front yard. I don't think he really understood what he was getting into when he got married. We struggled through the 12 years of marriage with various accusations of you did this and that between the two of us and ultimately, divorced after we had three kids, umpteen moves and restarts, and had been sealed for eternity in a LDS temple.

Divorce and the details behind it left me feeling really inadequate as a woman. I figured I'd never be good enough for a man if the one I picked to marry could just walk away from us, the life we built and three beautiful kids so easily.  Enter Therapy.  Therapy helped me a lot. More than alot, it saved me. That paired with visiting the temple in Boise for peace, and trying to maintain a good example for my kids kept me sane. 

But for you to know all I've lived through would take a HUGE novel. I'll highlight the worst parts of my life by attaching an English paper I wrote for college. (It got a 100% - shameless plug of pride)

So before you think I've got it all together and I'm faking... I'm not really faking to be happy. I smile and choose to be cheerful when I can because I believe something better has got to be right above this horizon. I'll walk on water one day. I will. Until then, I'm human and learning – just like you.

http://soapboxamy.blogspot.com/ - I've lost access to this blog and cannot comment or post on it anymore - but the paper and the details of my life are there if you wanna know me better.  English 101 is the paper's name.

Honestly yours,

Amy