Relationships

They come in all forms.  Friendships, families, romances, work-based ones, casual ones... they all mean something and give a form of structure to our lives.  I'm grateful for all of the relationships I have with so many people - minus romantic ones... currently not involved in one.

I'm in an odd spot because with my work, I've never met one of my coworkers face to face, but I still care about them a lot.  They're great people.  We share ups and downs.  We celebrate accomplishments and heartache.  It's been a great thing to feel human to people to whom one would feel like just a number.

The other odd spot I am in, I'm single.  It's not that I like being single, but that I have learned to be happy alone.  I think by being happy with myself first, I can just add more joy to my life with the right person.  I do, however, desire for that connection to a person that would include wanting for their joy, seeing them shine, feeling their closeness and being safe, and just - in general - sharing life with someone.  Sometimes, doing things alone after a while gets old and you want a companion.  I've had to learn a lot of patience and faith in God's timing.

I've met some good people, some not so good people, while out in the wild world of dating, but apparently nothing I can keep my hands on, or there are things I just won't compromise this time around.  I cannot repeat the same mistakes I made before.  I set the example for my children, so - I wait.  And wait.  However....

Friendships evolve over the years. People get invested with their families, as they should to a healthy extent. They get busier, but it doesn't mean that they love you any less.  I cherish my friends.  They got me through some of the hardest times in my life when I didn't have family close by.  The friends that hug you, hold you, serve you, and uplift you are great but it's even better when you reciprocate it back.

During this time of thanks and gratitude... I wish to say this - For all these, I am simply grateful.

Privilege

I've had a lot of hard things happen the last few days.  I don't really feel like talking about it but I know that people praying and sending positive energy and thoughts my way has helped carry me - and my loved ones through these difficult times.

However, when I feel like I have it hard, I look into the lives of others and find that it's not really that bad.  I spend a lot of time volunteering in my daughter's 4th grade class.  Kids in there come from diverse backgrounds; hard home lives, no home life, abusive situations, broken homes, great homes, stable homes... and it's heartbreaking.  

Arriving on campus, I'm almost greeted like a rockstar.  I guess I volunteer a lot... ha ha!  Kids hug me and say they are happy to see me and hope they get to work with me.  As I work with these kids, they struggle with first grade level words and reading books, they have a hard time with multiplication, and my heart breaks.

I sit at the table with them and tell them, "You're so close!  You've almost got it!  I'm so proud of you!  You're so important!"  - just trying to feed them any bit of positive reinforcement that I can, not knowing when they might hear it again.  They get a high five, or "knuckles", a big smile, or even get to keep my pencil when they walk away... It's the simple things that mean a lot to people... 

People need to know that they matter - no matter how young or old they are... everyone matters.

Please, don't forget to be kind and gentle with those around you.  We all need a little bit of patience and love.  It's a privilege to give it.

Namaste,

Amy

Yuck.

1 Not too happy about having to feel vulnerable all over again - but - this is how I will hold myself accountable.  Anti depressants (which I am off of now) have made a mess of me.  I think in their honest efforts to help us feel  better, prescriptions are given by well intentioned doctors.

8 Now, I've done a fair share of CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) and counseling to deal with highly traumatic things I have lived through - but it's like my body was reprogrammed after trauma incidents three years apart - to be chunkier than I would really like to be.

1 There is safety in weight... I am less likely to become a victim of a crime again.  This is too hard.  You can't do it.  (this is what I hear in my subconscious)

.6 I'm trying to scream back, YES I CAN!  If I can make it through three days, I'll get there.  With life feeling rather upside down, I am sure this will be interesting to commit to.  But - hey, I'm starting somewhere.

Honest to goodness....

Sitting here in my bed, trying to fall asleep, I think "hmmm, what's going on with Facebook tonight?"  I open the app and the top post is from my sister, +Allison Bowker .  See below.

I love gratitude.  Let me repeat that.... I LOVE GRATITUDE - so much so, I got up, fired up my laptop to participate with my sister and fulfill this challenge of positive things... I think they go hand in hand.

While I "om-nom-nom" away on some delish watermelon - I will blog about things I am grateful for.

What am I grateful for or positive things:

1. I am grateful for good friends, who step in and scoop you up like ice cream and then wrap you in the warmth of their love like melty hot fudge.  Latrice ain't got nothin' on this analogy.  But today had two friends hang with me to go get milkshakes and fries at Steak n Shake.  Good still happens.  Even better extension of that was the gifting of lovely dresses to my kids and a set of Squinkie toys that they've already sorted several times.  Why no, no they don't get their OCD nature from me.  LOL

2. Even when my heart hurts, I believe in good things to come.  I may be divorced & single - but I'm learning to be happy.  However, I wouldn't put it past me to hire a professional cuddle buddy.  Sometimes you just need that connection.  Ha ha ha!

3. My kids are with me.  The days when they were gone were long and hard on me.  Having them around - even if they're awake and fighting against the wall behind my head over legos or squinkies, their noise is better than not having it.  It's finding things like this that make it all worth while.  (Playdough art by Faith)

If you're reading this - I challenge you to the same!  Every day for the next 5 days - three things of positivity or gratitude.  I'm specifically calling out my friend +Elizabeth Singleton , +Beverly Richardson +Alan Greene  and others I'll tag on facebook.

Lets layer the world with some positivity and love.

Forget the ice bucket challenge.

Wash yourself in this wake up call.

Getting what we want - instead of what we need.  Aye-yi-yi.  I know this better than any other person.  To those who know me, know I am probably pretty straightforward and stubborn.  I will never deny that.  This leads me to my next statement...

There are those who know what they want, and those who go after what they want.

One is a dream and the other involves action.  I have been going after what I want, and by doing this, I very well may be neglecting the fact that it may not be what I need.  The last few months, I have been in California helping family take care of my grandmother.  It has been hard for several reasons, and I'll leave that for another blog on another day.  Life here is far different than the life I had in Idaho, and I miss it... terribly.  I have been chasing homes in one area back in Meridian

, because quite frankly, it was the first time I felt like I was home-home.  Maybe I have to give up that dream temporarily to go where I'm needed... I dunno.  Or, like my friend Jill says, stay here... which causes more anxiety than you could ever imagine.  However...

I have discovered this: that people are over-scheduled, too busy for one another, too busy to serve or uplift, too busy to care.  In current times, it is hard enough to find your dreams a reality with the constant flood of "This is what you deserve, this is what you should have, this is..." honestly someone else's dream to chase or unrealistic expectations of what YOUR life should be.

I am determined to refocus my life.

I am challenging myself to commit to being open to what I need in my life instead of demanding a wish list of what I think I deserve. If you're reading this, I challenge you too.

I'm also challenging myself to be invested in the betterment of myself, and uplifting others.  Again, if you're reading this, consider yourself challenged.

It is not selfish to love yourself first as long as you're not being haughty, pompous, arrogant, or taking down others to feel better.  We have to be on the path to improvement in order to put positive out there.  

I've learned a lot being single.  Loving yourself needs to come first.  Once you're happy with you, adding another person to the picture is just icing on the cake.  It truly is.

So - what needs are you blocking by putting what you want first?

Here is my list:

1. Be a better Christian/LDS member (faith comes first)

2. Be a better me (I come second)

3. Be a better me for everyone else. (Family and friends)

I think with this shift in focus of my daily living - I will be better prepared to be willing to accept what I need, and then, if the dream suits me - allow that to fall into my life with ease, not force.

With this I leave you blessings of peace and joy.

Happiness is NOT a choice...

So, before you come to hash this out with me, at least read this and understand where this idea and my belief come from.

"You choose to wake up and be happy."

"You make the most of what you have."

Wrong, and wrong.

For people who live with PTSD, depression, postpartum or any other form of mental illness, happiness has little to do with an instant choice.  It's been a long, long road to discovering why I couldn't be "happy" like other people, and while in discovery mode, I've come to the conclusion:

Happiness is a destination.

Nothing or no one can MAKE you happy.  You have to plan to be happy.  You can feel joy or pleasure but happiness, true happiness doesn't really come in this life.  The way you choose to live your life in a day to day basis, the steps you take to leave your legacy, the kindness offered when you pay it forward - those things will let you be happy when life is over - or the lack thereof will let you be miserable.

Me, myself; a human being, mother, student, employee, etc etc.... I struggle with the notion people are happy.  You can't define it, you can't bottle it, you can't get a certificate for it on paper... Think about it.

*  When you see your friend you haven't seen in a long time - and you get to hug them, it's joy.

*  When you overcome depression and it's now manageable - that's relief.

*  When your child or spouse or significant other does something amazing - you're proud.

*  When you make good choices instead of bad ones - you feel empowered, strong, and capable.  Things are easier and you're at peace.

*  When you realize you have enough, and some extra left over - that's gratitude for plenty.

These things contribute to the happiness plan - which leads us happiness when we're ready to die.  I know when I die, I would like to look back and go - "yeah, I did a lot of good things, left a good legacy... I can be happy with the outcome..." and pass peacefully.  I'd like to add more experiences full of joy, pride, power, love to the list of things I can read off once I'm done with this life.  Happiness is a destination I am striving for, day to day.  I hope you are too.

To those who wonder:

This painful time in mortal life, is what I call learning and growing because I don't honestly think I'll arrive anywhere but to fast conclusions by the way of guilt trips as far as destinations are concerned.  I didn't arrive at happy overnight, or well, ever. Happy, that's a constant journey, no arrival, no destination... just progress.

I think I'd say I'm content enough with the way things are going that I can wear a smile often enough and make it believable. There are still times I cry and wanna curse the sky because – well, that's what we humans do... but welcome to Life101.

To sum up the last 13 years of my life– here's the Reader's Digest super quick version:

I met my ex in a dance hall/saloon in San Bernardino while he was in the Marines. I got pregnant the night I met him. We got married six months later in my parents front yard. I don't think he really understood what he was getting into when he got married. We struggled through the 12 years of marriage with various accusations of you did this and that between the two of us and ultimately, divorced after we had three kids, umpteen moves and restarts, and had been sealed for eternity in a LDS temple.

Divorce and the details behind it left me feeling really inadequate as a woman. I figured I'd never be good enough for a man if the one I picked to marry could just walk away from us, the life we built and three beautiful kids so easily.  Enter Therapy.  Therapy helped me a lot. More than alot, it saved me. That paired with visiting the temple in Boise for peace, and trying to maintain a good example for my kids kept me sane. 

But for you to know all I've lived through would take a HUGE novel. I'll highlight the worst parts of my life by attaching an English paper I wrote for college. (It got a 100% - shameless plug of pride)

So before you think I've got it all together and I'm faking... I'm not really faking to be happy. I smile and choose to be cheerful when I can because I believe something better has got to be right above this horizon. I'll walk on water one day. I will. Until then, I'm human and learning – just like you.

http://soapboxamy.blogspot.com/ - I've lost access to this blog and cannot comment or post on it anymore - but the paper and the details of my life are there if you wanna know me better.  English 101 is the paper's name.

Honestly yours,

Amy

Mother's Day

Today was a hard day.  Mother's Day 2014 proves to be the toughest day I've had since being divorced.  There's more to the difficulty of this day than I have mentioned before, but it's simply this day, last year that one bad choice by my ex, snowballed the demise of any chance of saving our marriage.

This year, it's bittersweet as I got a text from him saying "Happy Mother's Day."  It's been far from happy, or relaxing; it's just like any other day.  But with a bit more pain...

I'm a single mom with twice the burden of providing for my children's happiness, and the hard job of staying positive, held together, and balancing every last dang thing.  There are days I wanna just curl up and cry from sadness and the ache of being lonely.  There are others I am grateful and celebrate the small victories I win each day.  One day I hope this all balances out.

So, while I sit remembering what things could have been, I try to look forward to the future, with faith and hope.  I wait for the day when I don't have a heartache this deep or a pain so sharp.  When one day the wounds of my heart will all be mended.  Until then - I fight for each day.

Here's to days ahead.  I pray that they're better than the previous.

One Breath At A Time

Those days that get excruciatingly overwhelming and you feel like you can't breathe or think straight... You have to remember how to breathe first.  The wind being kicked out of your sails, the punched in the gut feeling, it ebbs and flows... but remembering to center yourself and breathe is power in moments like that.

Namaste

Crushed

If I could sum up the last four days with one word, crushed would be it.  Let me explain.

I was in the kitchen, halfway through making biscuits for a dinner I needed to take to a lady who just had a baby when I hear wailing from outside my home.  Aubrey comes in screaming her foot was hurt.  I promptly remove her sock and there, to my horror, was her crushed toe.  I asked how it happened and she replied "Faith dropped a tv tray on it!"  The inner nurse in me kicked in and rushed her to the bathroom to rinse it and evaluate it.  When I got a good look at it, the matrix of the nail, think anchor to the nail, was popped out and the skin was ripped and pulled forward.  (NO EXAGGERATION)  I cleaned it the best I could then went to find a tourniquet.  Grabbing a white terry hand towel, I wrapped her foot so as to apply some pressure and get her to the hospital.  Realizing I didn't have anything to hold the towel on, I grabbed a silly bands bracelet off of my counter and proceeded to hold the towel on her foot with that.  Done!

I gave instructions to Grace on how to finish biscuits - which were never completed - and flew out the door with Aubrey.  "Honey, keep your foot up.  Turn sideways and put it up on this" I said pointing to the center console.  There was traffic because this all happened on Friday - before Easter - at 445 pm.  Normally, I'd go to St Lukes Meridian which is super close, but the overpass to get to the hospital was backed up and I couldn't wait.  I hopped on the I84 to head to Boise and take her to St Luke's Hospital there where they also had a childrens wing.  I'm trying to reassure her as we travel and when we arrive, I park in the emergency area, and pick up my sixty pound baby and haul her in to be looked at.

Our wait was about a half hour to go back, and we were met with a sweet CNA and Nurse later.  Vianay was our CNA - gentle and kind, she was able to get the process started.  Then, enter Sam.  (Just wait, she gets really popular soon)  Sam was a chipper blonde nurse who looked much younger than she was, but hey, so do I.  She was kind enough to be patient with my scared Aubrey.  It was a process of xrays to determine if there was a break, soaking to clean the wound and soften the nail, and sutures to stitch the flap of skin on and put the toenail back into place.

This was all rather scary for Aubrey and Sam brought her a puppy dog stuffed animal to hold.  During the suture process, Aubrey grabbed onto Sam's hand and cried "Is it over?  Is it over?"  and they had been stitching already... Thankfully that lidocane worked.  Aunt Allison, Aubrey and I all were discharged after nearly four hours in the ER and headed home.

The next morning, I woke up to go meet a friend for breakfast with my girls and sister.  We all ordered food and my sister and I usually split two meals so we can eat a bit of everything.  I shoved half of my "Momma's French Toast Breakfast" onto her plate and she gave me half of her "Buttermilk Fried Chicken" plate with sauce.  I asked her what the sauce was and it looked like syrup.  She said to taste it before I ate it.  The moment the sauce hit my tongue and throat after swallowing, my tongue and throat were on fire! I am allergic - to HONEY!  I tried to help the swelling with cold water - and couldn't get it down.  We had to leave there and go across the street to Costco to buy Benadryl to stop the reaction.  It starts to subside and I decided I needed to take Aubrey to the mall for some better sandals to help protect her toe.

We get to Dillards and go to the shoe department for kids, and come across a cute pair.  She slides them on and looks pretty chipper.  Saying farewell to my friend, we start to head home, when I remember I needed shorts for the girls for summer, and Old Navy was having a great sale.  I stopped in for a moment and the girls began running.  I told them to stop so nobody gets hurt... aaaaaaand, Faith accidentally steps on Aubrey's bum toe, ripping the bandaid off, popping three stitches, and causing the matrix of the nail to be removed again....

Guess where I got to go - again?  Yes, the ER.

Allison was thankfully able to meet me there again and we again, were admitted to the ER.  First doctor who came in had his one arm in a sling and couldn't help what needed to happen so he sent in another doctor.  Second doctor suggested remove stitches, as they were no good at this point, remove flap of skin, and then dermabond (skin glue) the toenail in place.  Aubrey again starts freaking out and wails she wants "Sam" over and over.  Thankfully, Sam was there to comfort tiny Aubrey.  Goodness...  So - with a bit of a meltdown and a fight, we get into the final stages of discharge to go home.  She's dermabonded and we are able to go home.

That first night of dermabond, I was up all night, checking her toe, circulation, for infection, etc... NO sleep.  That Sunday was Easter Sunday and I was already spent.  I managed to get everyone to church, make dinner, and then remembered to check her toe.  Aubrey's toe looked bad... it was oozing and weeping and had some puss looking stuff goo-ing out of the wound.  I was worried about infection, so I went back to the ER.

Sam and Vianay were there, thankfully to ease tiny girl.  This time, Sam brought Aubrey an Easter basket.  I'm talking with the doctor and he said it didn't look infected but it didn't.... ha ha - that makes ZERO sense, but sends us home with an RX for antibiotics if it starts oozing or gets super swollen and red... ok, deal.

Nobody got out of bed on time for anything on Monday... it's been a day of recovery.  I'm exhausted more than I realized... but thankful, so thankful for tender mercies.  God really is in the details of our lives.

Thinking on things...

One of the curses I endure is a mind that never - and I mean NEVER - stops turning gears.  The one relief I have for that, no - isn't sleep, but meditation.  Gosh dang that's some hard stuff to do sometimes, but in quiet moments I can find clarity and breathe.  I guess that's part of the reason I'm so grateful for yoga.  It's "me" time.

Another coping mechanism for my noisy mind is my blog.  Sometimes the ability to put things down and be able to "let them go" is powerful.  Being able to leave behind the memory or hurt so you don't have to hang onto it anymore, helps.

I'm one of those women who believes in true love.  It's harnessed by the feelings of excitement, joy and fulfillment.  When you find another person to accept you, as imperfect as you are, oh, how perfect it can feel!  Deep down inside I truly believe that there is more than one person for each person out there.  It depends on when in your life and under what circumstances you meet them.  I've dated both ends of the age spectrum and can see if I had been divorced sooner and was out dating, I don't think I'd have the wisdom I have now.

Do I think I'm ready to marry.  No, not me.  I'm still discovering and sifting through the things in my life that once held me back before.  It's a matter of taking the time to find the good qualities in myself and then believing it.  Meanwhile, I date.  That's a process of sifting through the crap, the less than desireables, the boys looking for a sugar mama, the men looking for their Barbie or pet.... and finding a man who will take ya, and make you great.

I met him once before... he got away.  Perhaps I'll find that again and all will be right in the world.

Phoenix Rising

The last year has spawned a lot of growth, heartache, struggle, amazing wins, painful losses, and has helped me find my feet and my faith.  It's about time I sit and write what I can for the last year of my life that you've missed.  So here it goes, brace yourself.

First things first, at the current moment, I am a single mom.  Meaning, yes, Jason and I are divorced.  It was a series of painful and emotionally draining moments - ONE. RIGHT. AFTER. THE. OTHER.  Ultimately, I filed for divorce July 9, 2013 and it was all signed, said and done August 5, 2013.  He left Idaho before the divorce was even final.  What an eerie feeling watching his truck, the travel trailer we bought, and his belongings being towed away to Oklahoma.  The part that was the hardest was the aftermath for the children.  My tiny little people... watched their father leave them.  You try to explain that it's the best thing for their dad and that he'll still be their dad, just from a long ways away.  We're adjusted now.  They're used to hearing from him when he calls or texting.  That keeps them going.

It was painful to come across his things as I was trying to rebuild my life.  I was left with everything he didn't want, things he left behind on accident, and the rental we signed for and still had 9 months or so on.  I decided that when I got the opportunity to move on and into a new place, that my house would be free of his things, that it would be a space for the girls and I to feel safe.  The sad memories needed to be left at the old house.  So I went through each box, every bag, being careful to make sure his things were no longer in with my things.  The more I felt like areas were clear of those painful memories, the easier it was to move on and breathe.

And now I breathe... in my own place with my three little girls who I have been entrusted with, to raise into great little humans.  Have there been hard days?  Oh, yeah!  Have there been days I can see the hand of God in my life just bringing me blessings and miracles.  Definitely.  It's those days that uplift and carry me when I'm weak, low, or feeling alone.

While a marriage is a hard thing to let go of, it's harder to live with the pain.  I remember praying so many times to just make the hurt stop.  Did it stop?  No, not really.  But I got tougher, stronger, more resilient each time the Lord's hand was stayed to deliver me.  It made me who I am today.

There was a point in my trials I had to mentally "walk on water" with perfect faith that things would work out.  My mother bought me a painting of Christ walking on water when she was here right before the divorce papers were filed.  That picture resonates with me still to this day.

I count my blessings, with gratitude, every day.  Life is precious.  Time cannot be wasted being sad.  Do what makes you come alive and find purpose again, then run with it!  It's never too late, you're never too far gone.

With Peace and Blessings,
Namaste - Amy